


The Bemusement of the DJD (or, Playtime with Kaon)

by dramamelon



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Mild Language, Minor Violence, Mostly Gen, NaNoWriMo, but it doesn't actually happen, cracky references to Deathsaurus/Kaon, it made me giggle?, word count catch up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-04 23:51:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5353001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramamelon/pseuds/dramamelon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whether from boredom or simply having one of those days, Kaon unleashes his sense of humor on the the rest of the team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Only my best for you, Tarn.

**Author's Note:**

> I was so freaking far behind on my NaNo this year that I plunged desperately headlong into Transformers fic to catch up. The level of dumb in this rose with every word I added. I'm not sorry. XD
> 
> Now let's post this before I chicken out (omg, first time sharing anything with the fandom).

Tarn made a slow trudge toward the bridge of the Peaceful Tyranny, seeking it out at what should have been the middle of his recharge cycle to find Kaon. The mech had been elusive all day with no explanation. Tarn was getting concerned. Had something come over Kaon that caused him to need solitude?  
Perhaps a death in the family? No, that was silly. The DJD _was_ his family and Tarn was fairly certain none of them were dead. Was he ill? A no there, as well. Nickel would have taken that in hand ages ago. Or, perhaps—Tarn found the thought dreadful to even consider—had Kaon found his loyalties to the Cause wavering? Tarn refrained from thinking too hard on that possibility without further evidence on which to base it. Whatever afflicted him, Tarn was intent on finding Kaon and discussing the matter with him. Especially since Kaon had been ignoring Tarn’s attempts to contact him via comm most of the day regarding a somewhat delicate matter that required his expertise.  
Thus far, he’d searched the whole of the Warworld with no sign of his subordinate. None of the others, conscripted to cause, had found him, either. Thus, Tarn finally turned to his own ship, which upon reaching, he realized was probably where he should have started. He blamed his lack of sleep for this lack of judgment.  
“You’re thinking too hard again, Tarn.”  
Cursing to himself, Tarn tossed a glance toward his unwanted companion. Did the mech have no sense of privacy? This was a DJD matter, no outsiders butting their noses in needed, thank you very much. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Deathsaurus. I’m doing no such thing.”  
An amused Deathsaurus continuing at his heels, Tarn figured finding several of the ship’s systems active meant he had indeed found Kaon. Now, it was time to confront the smaller mech and discover what weighed on his mind to affect his behavior such as it had. Hopefully without the winged bastard peering over his shoulder like it was an episode of the latest popular drama or, worse, sitcom. The last thing he needed was Deathsaurus laughing at him and his team. A bit of a growl in his tone, he said, “You can go now.”  
“No, no,” Deathsaurus replied, waving the suggestion away. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”  
Tarn clenched his hands into tight fists, reminding himself this mech was an ally. He stepped onto the bridge and swept his gaze over the whole. Tarn felt a tension that lingered around his spark loosen, for sitting at the communications console was Kaon, looking every bit as normal as he ever did. The thought that Kaon had spent hours here with no clue about the tizzy he’d worked his teammates into with his disappearance, likely just sitting at the console without a care in the universe, came very close to making Tarn angry. Especially on the heels of his growing annoyance with Deathsaurus. He might have considered the brush with anger completely out of order were it not for the all the ignored attempts at hailing him throughout the day.  
“Oh, look, there he is, just like I said he would be,” Deathsaurus commented from behind him. “Amazing, isn’t it?”  
“Shut up, you.” Setting his shoulders and exuding a Frown—yes, capitalized—through every bit of his field, Tarn spoke to his wayward mech. “Kaon—”  
“No,” Kaon said, interrupting before Tarn could get any further and not even bothering to turn around to face him. “Go away. I hate you.”  
Confounded by this sudden and entirely unexpected announcement—well, maybe not _entirely_ , but certainly unexpected because no one ever had the bearings to speak to him that way—Tarn’s organized thoughts scattered to the winds. He was sure far too many seconds of silence floated in the air between them before he found his voice again. He ignored the rude laughter coming from Deathsaurus. “You… hate me?”  
The sound of Kaon’s nimble fingers dancing over the communications console kept on without break as he replied, “Yes. With every fiber of the optics I don’t have.”  
Tarn stood in the open door of the bridge and just stared at Kaon, his Frown turned to bemusement. He didn’t show it often, but when it did find its way out, Kaon’s sense of humor always tended toward the absurd. This had to be that absurdness asserting itself. It had to be because nothing else made sense. Of any sort. “Well,” Tarn began his reply, deciding to treat it as one of Kaon’s sillier moments, “that’s quite hateful. Might I inquire as to the reason for this sudden hatred?”  
After giving him a quiet _pfft!_ , Kaon said, “Since when does hate need a reason? No one ever updated me on that requirement. Can I not simply just hate you because I want to?”  
“He’s got a point there,” Deathsaurus said, tapping Tarn needlessly on the shoulder.  
“No one asked you.” Hidden behind his mask, Tarn rolled his optics. Oh, yes, this was a silly and Kaon would regret it being witnessed by someone outside the team. Making him scrub out the washracks after Tesarus and Helex would probably do it. “I don’t think I quite understand, Kaon.”  
Kaon spun his chair away from the communications console and narrowed those empty sockets of his in a way that was so utterly Kaon that no other mech Tarn had met could accomplish it. “What’s there to understand, Tarn?” he said, voice as smooth and tingly as ever. “I hate you with such a looming ferocity that had I still those optics, it would burst them from my face. Blow them to nothing more than mere particles from the utter force of my hatred for you.”  
“Well, that’s something you don’t hear every day.” Deathsaurus, again, this time giving Kaon a wink.  
Tarn sighed and ignored the comments from the gallery, forcing himself away from the rising urge to destroy his now ally. Focusing on Kaon, instead, he gave a small clicking _tsk_ before he said, “You’ve been waiting a long time to use that one on me, haven’t you? So long, in fact, you manufactured a situation in which you could use it.”  
Leaning back in his seat, the smirk that blossomed across Kaon’s face told Tarn just how very pleased the silly mech was with himself. “Yes,” Kaon said with a purr of satisfaction, weaving his fingers together and resting his hands against his chest, “as a matter of fact I have and I did. Did it have you going at all?”  
A quick burst of static escaped Tarn’s vocalizer, not a _real_ sign of embarrassment at all, but rather a purposeful blast for Kaon’s sake. “Perhaps for a moment,” he replied, prompting further laughter from the winged interloper. “It was quite well done.”  
Whether Kaon realized his ego was simply being stroked or not, he seemed pleased, if judged on the growing smugness in his smile. “Excellent. Now, what was it you wanted?”  
“I…,”  Tarn started, then trailed off before he could even start to tell him what he’d wanted to speak to him about. It had been so long since he’d first started looking for Kaon the reason had completely slipped away from him.  
Damn Kaon to the Pit. This. _This_ was what he’d been after, not the hate nonsense. His goal had been to make Tarn forget what he wanted, a normally impossible task. He glared at Kaon and jabbed a finger at him, noting the widening spread of his downright evil smile. “You, Kaon, are a fiend.”  
“Only my best for you, Tarn.”  
Tarn bunched his fist and threw it at Deathsaurus, who was laughing harder than ever.


	2. Why do you have to be so fragging obnoxious?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure I'd get this one edited/reworked today because of work, but I did! I think it's probably my favorite of the bunch. Please enjoy (or not, as you will) another chapter of dumber than ever. (Poor Tess.) :D

Each and every time Kaon had one of his days, Tesarus was reminded of what a horrible person Kaon was. He was the terrible bully that never left any of the more socially awkward sparklings in the schoolyard alone. Kaon was the cause of all Tesarus’ worst days. Even when Kaon did that by making Tesarus think the slagger (and Vos) had died on some stupid planet in the middle of nowhere. As much as Tesarus was annoyed by Kaon’s rare antics, Tesarus did prefer him around and living as opposed to dead.  
Except maybe right at that particular moment. He’d already missed half his show due to Kaon and the pet. Of course, he could always go to another room, but that just wasn’t going to happen. _He_ was there first!  
He frowned as another _kerthunk!_ sounded from within his grinder. He looked down to find the brain module that had been making a steady return there throughout the last hour once again rolling over his blades. Moments later, a happy, sparkchewing turbofox pounced in after it, chasing it around a few seconds before catching it between nasty sharp teeth and bounding back out. The beast loped across the room to return the brain module to the waiting hand of its master.  
“Well done, Pet!” Kaon exclaimed, giving the turbofox a loving scratch behind the audials. “You are such a good boy.” The smile stretched across his face spoke volumes more than just pleasure at the fetching skills of his animal companion.  
Tesarus scowled as best he could—his non-traditional optic configuration made it more difficult to emote at times. So, to make up for that, he filled his field to the brim with seething annoyance at the other mech. “And _you_ are so asking to be hurt,” he muttered, not really caring if Kaon heard him or not. Rising from his seat, Tesarus turned it a quarter circle and sat back down. He guessed that would be enough to get him out of targeting range. Thankfully, he was using his datapad to watch the documentary he’d been waiting forever to see. He could only imagine how much worse it would be if he still had to be facing Kaon to watch the large screen on the wall.  
_Clang! Kerthunk!_  
“Go get it, boy!”  
The brain module had been skillfully ricocheted off the wall to plunk into his grinder despite his efforts to stop it. The frown on Tesarus’ face tightened and he forced a slow, hard vent from his intake. He didn’t bother reaching for the thing to chuck it back at Kaon full force—the pet had already leapt into his grinder and snatched it up again. “Kaon, if you don’t knock it off, I’m going to come over there and smash your face in with that damn brain module.”  
At Tesarus’ feet, the pet stood and gnawed at the brain module, almost dropping it a couple times in the process. Then, after giving Tesarus the stink eye, trotted back across the room to Kaon and set the module into his hand. Grinning, Kaon rolled the module from hand to hand as if examining it. “This?” he asked, holding it up at the tips of his fingers on one hand, his expression gone to one of an innocence Tesarus doubted Kaon had ever actually owned. “I don’t know why you would do something like that. Why would you do that, Tesarus?”  
“Because you’re doing this scrap on purpose!”  
_Clang! Kerthunk!_ And another turbofox plunge into his grinder, this one rolling right back out as the pet knocked the module the wrong way with its snout.  
“What are you talking about? What am I doing on purpose that’s got you in such a mood?” Kaon asked, tone utterly guileless. He even went so far as to tilt his head to one side in the fashion of a confused sparkling. "I'm only playing with the pet. Is that wrong of me?"  
“You have no idea how lucky you are that everyone likes you so much,” Tesarus muttered through an even deeper frown. “Why do you have to be so fragging obnoxious?” His smaller arms crossed in front of the open grinder, then he thought again and did the same with the larger set. He would not play home to Kaon and Pet’s game of fetch any longer! Not if he could do anything about it, anyway.  
_Clang! Kerthunk!_ The brain module went right through the open spaces between his arms, though the pet had a slightly more difficult time of it. Having to make a greater effort, though, only seemed to make the beast all the more excited to play.  
“You’re a terrible person, Kaon,” Tesarus told him, rising to his feet and turning to face his tormentor. There was nothing he could do but leave the room and find somewhere else because it wasn’t going to stop. Kaon had won. “I hope you realize that.”  
The wide grin on Kaon’s face as he met the pet returning from another successful fetching told Tesarus Kaon was entirely aware of the validity of the observation. It was just as obvious that he was not at all bothered by it, either.  
“Good job, Pet!”  
_Kerthunk!_


	3. Ten paces at high noon and everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't manage to get this one ready yesterday like I was hoping. Oh well. Here it is now. Still dumb. :D

He’d been warned that Kaon was feeling froggy, but Helex blew those warnings off with a roll of his optics. Kaon, froggy? No, that didn’t happen. He had his obnoxious moments, yes, but he was never downright froggy. Unless they’d tracked down a mech on the List. Then, when they caught the guy, Kaon acted like a sparkling on the anniversary of his first boot up. It was rather terrifying, actually. As a member of the DJD, of course, that was a good attribute to have. No one would ever behave if they were threatened with a Decepticon Justice Division that threw tea parties and chased bubbles through fields all the time.  
Helex wasn’t worried about Kaon, though. He had something of a leg up on the mech. For every tiny bit of Kaon that was an obnoxious slagger when he was in a mood, Helex was entirely capable of meeting him toe-to-toe. It was almost more fun to watch the others scatter when he and Kaon had it out than the actual face off was. With the exception, of course, if Nickel was having none of it—which happened far too often now. What did she have against a little fun?  
All right, so a particularly bad round had once ended with Nickel’s medical gear welded to the walls of the ship in inspired arrangements—high art, really, very nouveau—but they’d both been boxed around the audials good for it. They hadn’t messed with her since, however, so her continued involvement was a bit of a consternation. Still, that didn’t stop Helex from seeking Kaon out when all the others ran for the hills.  
“Kaon!” he greeted, stepping into the small lab where Kaon was currently at work on some project or other. Helex never paid those details much mind unless they involved him. He actually felt a bit scrunched in the room, finding it a good deal smaller than intended for his frame size. Well, he didn’t plan on being in there long. He could suffer for a few moments. “I hear you’re up to no good.”  
At Kaon’s feet, the Pet offered him a low growl and sharp swish of its tail. Kaon gave the beast a calming pat or two before turning to face Helex. His expression was unexpectedly sober. This was everyday dull and boring Kaon, Helex lamented, not giddy sparkling Kaon. What a disappointment! He’d squeezed into this tiny little room for nothing.  
“Oh, damn,” he said, crossing both sets of arms across his torso. “Are you done already? Tarn and Tesarus were just going on about how you need a reminding about what’s acceptable behavior. Did I miss it?”  
“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about, Helex,” Kaon said, rising from his seat at the console. His fingers flipped a switch, which closed out whatever he was working on and powered down the whole. He walked around Helex’s much larger bulk and paused to look back at him from the door. Helex shuffled around just in time to watch a smirk carve an upward shape on his mouth. “I’m never up to anything good.”  
Helex frowned and eyed the smaller mech, his optics narrowed in question. Before he could voice his concerns with this new turn of events, Kaon vanished out the door with his creepy turbofox, the door closing behind them. Sighing, Helex shook his head and made to follow, but found his way blocked when the door wouldn’t open. He frowned again and punched at the controls, only to have them beep back at him that an emergency lock had been placed on the lab. His frown deepened. This wasn’t right. Not at all.  
Then the lights went out.  
Scrap. Obviously, it was still game on and Helex had just been taken without realizing the ride had even started.  
“Damn you, Kaon.” He pounded on the door, doing his best not to dent it or anything because that would skip him right over black marks and straight into a write up, and yelled through it. “This is _not_ funny! I’ll get you back for this! I mean it!”  
“Looking forward to it!” Kaon’s voice came through the door, likely from somewhere down the hall and muffled for the distance. “I’ll be in my hab after I procure myself a celebratory drink. Feel free to find me there once you’re out!”  
Oh, the game was not just on, it was so on that Kaon wouldn’t know what hit him. They were going to have a real showdown. Ten paces at high noon and everything. Kaon was going to regret his actions this day. Maybe he would ask Tarn about how best to do that. Helex considered himself quite awesome when it came to pranks and pay back, but Tarn was _really_ good making a mech regret things and, since word had it Kaon had fired the first shot at Tarn this time, Tarn probably already had something in mind. So, speaking to Tarn it was because Helex wanted in on it.  
As soon as he figured out how to get out of this dark and tiny little room without breaking anything. It was better not to bring Tarn’s wrath down on himself if he wanted to join the crusade against Kaon.  
“Little glitch.”


	4. If there's a translation for that, I don't know what it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, later than I wanted to get it done, but it happens. Now, let the dumb continue!
> 
> (Also, thanks for the kudos, everybody. :) They're appreciated!)

He’d heard the word floating around the ship. Tesarus and Tarn had made certain of it, but strangely not Helex. Not yet, anyway. He was sure Helex would be along soon, though, as Kaon had long since stopped targeting Vos before any of the others. Vos actually took a bit of pride in that knowledge that Kaon hadn’t yet managed to find a way to get under his plating. Not that he expressed it among the others. They’d only pester him on how best to not let Kaon get to them. Honestly, if they weren’t intelligent enough to figure it out on their own, that was their problem. He didn’t owe any of them squat.  
So, when Kaon wandered into the archives with the pet nipping at his heels before Helex made an appearance, Vos eyed him sharply. This wasn’t right. The pattern had been broken. Kaon, however, only reached for a datapad and took a seat on the other side of the table. Vos watched him for a few moments, noting the way he slowly scrolled through whatever he was looking at before brushing off his initial concern.  
_Hmph!_ He doubted the others had lied to him. By Vos’ own judgment, it appeared Kaon’s mood had passed before the storm blew over him. _Attempted_ to blow over him, anyway. Cautious, but mostly assured of his safety, Vos returned to the stack of datapads in front of himself. There was much research yet to be done.  
Silly as it was for a mechanical being with built-in timers and alarms and alerts, Vos commonly lost track of time while doing research. He wasn’t quite sure how long had passed when he noticed… something. Like a flutter only just out of reach of his field. He lifted his gaze from the datapad he was working his way through. Still sitting across from him was Kaon, studious as he’d been the last time Vos looked at him. Tapping his fingers on the table, Vos discreetly glanced underneath. Curled at Kaon’s feet was the expected turbofox doing nothing more than napping. Absolutely nothing was amiss. Vos shook his head and dismissed the incident, returning to his reading.  
Several minutes later, he was disturbed again by the very same thing. He glanced toward Kaon, but the other was still immersed in his own reading. Dismissing it all once more, Vos sought his lost focus. He really did have a lot of information he needed to get through. The silence was broken for a space as a burst of static accompanied Kaon resetting his vocalizer, but nothing more followed.  
It wasn’t long, however, before the disturbance returned. Closer this time, so very slightly wisping over the outermost edges of his field. Not enough to grab hold of and identify, unfortunately, but enough to finally alert him to the fact that he was _not_ imagining things. His gaze shifted yet again to Kaon and he was nearly shocked out of his seat to find those empty optic sockets staring back at him. A short blast of curses slipped from his vocalizer as he held himself rigid and denied that he had been caught off guard by his teammate.  
“Is something wrong?” Kaon asked, sounding almost sweet and innocent—something Vos was very well aware couldn’t be farther from the truth. “You seem startled.”  
Vos wasn’t entirely sure what to say. While it was true he’d been startled, admitting it was far outside the list of things he wanted to do. Especially to Kaon, given his penchant for using such things against a mech. For need of something to say, if only to get Kaon’s attention off him, Vos blurted out a throwaway excuse. Something a bit more embarrassing than intended. Oops.  
“Oh, is that all?” Kaon said, his mouth curving into that smile of his that some might call gentle, but Vos and the rest of the DJD just called creepy. “Perhaps you should visit Nickel and speak to her about it?”  
Waving the suggestion off, Vos pointed toward his datapad, hissing out his desire to return to his reading.  
“Of course. I’m sorry to have disturbed you.” Kaon’s smile grew a little brighter, the empty sockets above curving further into the expression. “Please, continue.”  
Vos gave Kaon one last searching look before looking to the datapad in front of him, idly glancing at Kaon again moments later. This time, however, Kaon had not returned to his own reading. No, he was still just _staring_ at Vos, his datapad forgotten on the table. In retaliation, Vos shifted in his chair and sat sideways at the table, kicking his feet up on to the chair beside him. With a huff, he picked up his datapad and scanned the visible text to find where he’d left off.  
Like feathers, that something returned and stroked over the very edges of his field again and this time Vos had no hesitation in turning a glare on Kaon. The blank serenity on the mech’s face as he continued to stare at Vos was on the verge of going from annoying, but still ignorable, to exasperating—not a good development.  
Forcing his attention back to his datapad, Vos was intent on not giving Kaon the satisfaction of getting on his last nerve. Vos wondered at what effectiveness meditation might have in this situation and immediately switched out datapads, knowing he had one that covered the process in his stack somewhere. This new datapad, however, was not it. He huffed and switched for another datapad, then another, and another, and yet another.  
“Looking for something?”  
Vos ignored him and continued to dig through his pile as if on a mission from Primus, biting back a garbled growl. Then the feathery drag of what he now knew without doubt was Kaon’s field tickled across his own again. Hissing and spitting out Primal Vernacular in a fierce rush of words that he would never be able to recall, Vos jumped to his feet and waved angry hands this way and that, several times directed at Kaon with an accusatory wag of his finger.  
The grin that spread across Kaon’s face was nothing if not utterly satisfied with himself. He stood and backed toward the door. A smart move, Vos admitted, as he could not leap on Kaon unawares this way. “Come, Pet,” he said, smug as could be. “I don’t think we’re wanted here, anymore.”  
Behind him the door opened to reveal Tarn and Tesarus. Kaon slipped between them, still backing away with the pet trotting faithfully after him. At the last moment, he held up both hands, index and middle fingers raised in a V as he mouthed, “Victory.”  
As he vanished down the hall, Vos exploded in another long and ranting string of curses.  
“Hey, Tarn, what’s all that mean?” Tesarus asked, barely heard by Vos in his rage.  
There was a pause before Tarn admitted, “If there’s a translation for that, I don’t know what it is.”  
“Huh,” Tesarus said. “Weird. Hey, Vos, you seen Helex anywhere?”  
Vos screeched at him like some sort of angry vulture and renewed his efforts at cursing Kaon roundly, who would never let him live this defeat down.


	5. Feel like doing me a favor, Pet?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was decidedly easy to edit and rework the flow of. :) The next one? Doesn't look nearly as easy. Oy.

“Help? Somebody? Please?”  
Pausing on her way down the hall, Nickel looked back at the door she’d just passed. That voice, quiet and glitch mouse tiny as it had been, had also been decidedly familiar. Of course, that wasn’t unusual, considering she was on her team’s ship. The name she attributed to that voice, however, was unexpected.  
She moved back to the door and stood outside it, giving the voice another chance to speak. When it did, it was small and tired, like it had been hours since the owner had last seen the hall.  
“C’mon, please? There’s got to be someone around to hear me by now. I just want to go sit for a bit where the lights are on, maybe get some energon?”  
Helex, definitely. She’d wondered where the big mech had gotten to, having last seen him what felt like ages ago, now that she considered it. “Helex? How did you get stuck in the lab?” she asked, getting closer and punching in the code for this particular door. She frowned when it didn’t work, but tried again. There was always a chance she’d messed up. It wasn’t likely, but the chance did exist. “And why did you go into this particular lab to begin with? It’s hardly big enough for a lunk like you!”  
“Nickel? Is that you?” He sounded a bit more hopeful this time, that deep and rumbly voice of his growing a bit louder, as well. “Can you get me out of here?”  
“I’m working on it, you big sparkling,” she told him. Again, the code for the door didn’t work. “Let me guess, Kaon got you in there?”  
“…yeah.”  
A painful an admittance, Nickel thought. “And you didn’t think to comm someone to get you out?”  
“Um, comm doesn’t work in here, apparently.”  
She huffed and shook her head before just giving the control panel a hardy thump of her tiny fist. The thing made noises it probably shouldn’t have, but moments later, the door was open so it was all for the best. Nickel moved back as Helex shuffled out into the hall, optics narrowed against the sudden influx of light. “You been in the dark the whole time you were in there?” she asked. As he nodded, she scowled, fists settling against her hips. “Someone’s made quite the pest of himself today, hasn’t he?”  
“He’s on a real run today, yeah,” Helex said with a scowl of his own.  
Nickel harrumphed and gave Helex a quick looking over. “Well, you look all right, other than needing a bit of something in your tanks,” she told him, waving him down the hall. “Go hit up the dispensary. I think I’ll track down Funny Mech and give him a piece of my mind.”  
“Yeah! You go get him, Nickel!” Helex cheered her on, both sets of arms pumping the air. “Oh, and, um, thanks for the rescue.”  
“Go, I said!” she repeated. Watching with the optics of a stern medic and a ticked off mama bear combined, she waited until he was off before turning to her own task. “Now, Kaon,” Nickel muttered to herself as she headed the other way, putting every skill she had toward finding the rust red mech, “let’s see about setting you right.”  
She searched the ship, looking high—well, as high as she could manage—and low for Kaon, but had no success. Obviously, he _had_ to be somewhere because he hadn’t figured out how to be nowhere, as far as Nickel knew. And wouldn’t that be a trick? Then, just as she was becoming frustrated enough to give up, a snuffling crunch around the corner brought her to a standstill. The pet! Where the pet was, Kaon was bound to be nearby. She inched forward until she could peek around into the adjoining hall and found the beast snorting and gnawing on its latest brain module chew toy. There was no sign of Kaon, however.  
Humming thoughtfully, Nickel dropped the stealth act and stepped out into the crossway of the two halls. The scrappy turbofox gave her a brief glance, not even lifting its mouth from its prize. “Feel like doing me a favor, Pet?” she asked, moving closer and reaching out to give the beast a scratch behind the corner of its jaw. If it had been a feline, Nickel was certain the pet would have been purring. “Where’s your master? Can you take me to him?”  
The beast perked, brain module firmly clasped between its teeth, and nuzzled agreement against her cheek. At least, she supposed it was agreement. She didn’t exactly speak turbofox, let alone whatever the sparkeater dialect of it might be.  
“Go on, then,” she urged the pet with a gentle nudge. “Let’s find Kaon!”  
It started slow, with the pet snuffing and peering down every hall they crossed, but soon enough turned into a merry chase. The pet bounded tirelessly through the ship while Nickel did her best to keep up. Ducking into small vents and making vast leaps across open drops, the pet ran and ran and ran. More than a few of those obstacles nearly sent Nickel plummeting into the lower levels, but she persevered. Her vents heaving with the effort to keep her frame cooled down, Nickel panted and followed, her frustrations with the whole situation returning and growing. Kaon was going to get real piece of her mind when she found him, no mistake!  
When the pet finally slowed and slipped calmly around one last corner… and right back into the hall where the whole thing had started… and returned to gnawing on its toy, Nickel’s brain clicked on what had just happened. She skidded to an ungainly halt just past the pet, thumping to a final stop against the legs of the very mech she’d been hunting.  
“Oh, Nickel,” he said, looking down on her with a giddy smile, “I heard you were looking for me?”  
Gulping down large draughts of air, her vents blown wide open, and a hand resting over the hard pulse of her spark, Nickel glared hard at that gleeful face. “Someday, Kaon,” she spat, tone promising physical pain, “I will find those crossed wires of yours and get you straightened out, I swear it!”  
“Looking forward to it,” Kaon replied, his smile never faltering in the face of Nickel’s ire. Obviously, something was very wrong with him. “Come, Pet. Let’s go find somewhere better to play than in the halls. Perhaps we’ll find Deathsaurus, too. I heard he’s found you another toy.”  
Nickel glared after him. The mech had no idea what he had coming to him when she got her hands on him. After her internals cooled.


	6. Ooh, someone's grounded!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some more dumb! Ha! :D This one took _far_ too long to get edited/reworked, but finally done. There's an epilogue, too, and I'll have that up shortly.

Immensely fulfilling. Those were the words Kaon ascribed to his day. None of the others would agree, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.  
Instead, Kaon lay half-sprawled across a couch in the hab suite he’d commandeered as a private entertainment room. He’d considered making himself useful once his run of mischief was done, but decided against it because no. Pure lazy inelegance was much preferable, turbofox lounged across his middle and a glass of high grade in hand. As the pet snuggled and chewed with abandon on its toy, Kaon listened to the flow of chatter over the ship’s comms. The arguing of his teammates regarding how to discipline him was always amusing. And, as his voice was present among the others, it was obvious someone had released Helex.  
Damn. He’d been hoping for at least an overnighter on that one.  
Stroking the turbofox’s head, Kaon looked down when a loud _crunch!_ signaled the casing of the brain module finally cracking open. “Well,” he mused after another sip of the brilliantly ice blue engex favored, “I suppose you’re lucky you’ve been gifted a new one, hm? That one is obviously in its last moments.”  
The pet gave a muffled _whuff_ but otherwise paid more attention to destroying the toy. Kaon understood. The toy was undoubtedly more interesting than himself at the moment. On his third… fourth… no, fifth. It was fifth. Yes. On his fifth pour of engex, Kaon was loose and relaxed enough that occasional flickers of electricity buzzed along his coils completely out of his control. A fun playtime companion for a turbofox of any variety, he was not. Not one that preferred to avoid accidental electrocution, anyway.  
“They’ll be coming for me soon, you know,” Kaon told the pet, fingers curling around the shape of the turbofox’s head. “In fact, judging from the comms, they’re already be on the way. Let’s see how close I can call it….”  
He knocked back the last of his current glass, then mouthed a silent countdown—“three, two, one”—hitting the moment with perfect accuracy as the door burst open and the room was filled with the rest of the DJD, including Nickel, and… Ah, there was Deathsaurus, also on time, as expected. The amusement of watching the dreaded DJD act like a bunch of ill behaved sparklings was treat that didn’t happen every day. Kaon sat up slowly—to reduce wobbling—setting his empty glass aside on the floor, and gave a small finger wiggle of a welcome to the intruders. He pushed the pet away when it growled at him for upsetting its chewing.  
“Hush, you,” he murmured to the turbofox before returning his attention to the other mechs.  
The room was hardly big enough for everyone, yet they all managed pack their massive bulks inside. He was pleased that none of them looked particularly comfortable with the squished arrangement—Helex, in particular. Tarn, though, seemed more preoccupied with appraising Kaon’s stereo system. Not a good development.  
Then, Tarn focused on him and began the lecture. “Kaon—”  
He didn’t get very far.  
“Do you realize you just burst into my private little getaway without knocking beforehand?” Kaon interrupted with a _tsk!_. “That’s very rude. I would suggest you consider how that might reflect on the rest of us before you do it in public.”  
“…what?” Confusion was a beautiful thing. Especially when spoken by Tarn.  
“Wait, you been hitting the high grade, Kaon?” Helex asked from his spot near the far side of the room, optics on the discarded glass. “We all know how loopy you get on the stuff.”  
“No,” Kaon denied, waving the suggestion off with a distracting hand while he shoved the glass farther out of sight with his foot. “Not yet. Far too early. Now, I assume you’re all here being rude for a reason?” He was glad for how practiced his cold and sober face had become over the years. Keeping a perfectly straight expression when all he wanted to do was slap a hand over his mouth and snigger was a handy ability to have.  
“Kaon,” Tarn started again, parental chastisement coloring his tone as he reasserted control over the situation. He even stopped Vos from complaining with a single raised finger. “I understand that you have days where you—”  
“Are an obnoxious, scrapheaded slagger from the Pit.”  
“Tesarus,” Tarn said, turning the chastisement on the larger mech, “must I ask you again not to interrupt me? Are you looking for another black mark?”  
“…sorry, Tarn.”  
By the door, Deathsaurus chuckled under his breath, earning himself a glare. The next course of chastisement was lobbed in his direction. Obviously, Tarn was decidedly less than pleased with his presence. Again. Kaon bit the inside of his cheek to abort a sporfle.  
“I would appreciate it if the gallery refrained from comment until we’re done,” Tarn said and Kaon couldn’t take it. A giggle escaped him. Oh, the heat of Tarn’s fiery gaze warmed him nearly as much as the engex, though it wasn’t nearly as pleasant. “Now, Kaon, we seem to have another unit-wide situation here… caused by you. Do you care to explain yourself?”  
“No, I do not care,” Kaon replied. That dropped the temperature in the room to several degrees below icy. Tarn appeared moments away from stripping off his mask to pinch the bridge of his nasal ridge in a vain attempt to ward off an incoming processor ache.  
“That’s it. No more of this nonsense. Kaon, you are restricted to your personal hab suite with no access to amusements until such time as I decide otherwise, work shifts excepted,” Tarn declared, with a curt slash of his hand through the air. “And on those work shifts, you _will_ be working.”  
“Ooh, someone’s grounded,” Deathsaurus singsonged. Amongst the childish titters between Helex and Tesarus, Deathsaurus only smirked broader. “I suppose if no one minds, I’ll take it on myself to escort him to his hab?”  
Tarn took a moment to gather himself—he was probably trying not to punch Deathsaurus again—and waved him on. “Anything to make you useful.”  
Deathsaurus shouldered through the room over to Kaon, not bothering to take too much care who he shoved into along the way. Next thing Kaon knew, he was slung like a sack of nucleon crystals over one broad and heavily armored shoulder. This upset his queasy equilibrium, cutting any remaining control Kaon had over his ability, and he poured electricity into the large mech. Under him, Deathsaurus grunted in pain and quivered as the wattage flowed through him. Once Kaon managed to cut the juice, however, he was surprised to find Deathsaurus still on his feet and laughing. The rest of Kaon’s team seemed rather gobsmacked at the revelation, as well.  
“That tickled, Kaon!” Deathsaurus informed him, pressing a grinning face against Kaon’s hip. His voice was a purr as he added, “You’ll have to do that again some time.”  
With a acquiescing shrug, Kaon dropped into a limp flop over that thick shoulder and said, “I’ll just jot that down, then. Deathsaurus enjoys electroshock therapy. Noted.” Deathsaurus ducked out of the room with him, careful not to whack Kaon against the lintel, a chorus of disgusted groans sounding in their wake. The door closed and blocked them off from the rest of the DJD. Another frizzle of electricity danced over his coils. “By the way, I lied about the engex. I am so topped off right now.”  
“I hadn’t noticed,” Deathsaurus replied, his sarcasm ringing clear as a bell. Once Deathsaurus had turned them down another hall, he set Kaon back onto his unsteady feet. He stood there as a physical support until Kaon reoriented his balance. “There we are. Escape made.”  
“Excellent!” Kaon declared, slapping a hand against the larger mech’s arm. “You’re a good mech and a fantastic partner. I’ll make sure Tarn never learns you helped me get him.”  
He turned and wobbled his way down the hall. If he’d been less in his cups, Kaon might have been suspicious of the far too amused and… _conspiring_ look that followed him. Then Deathsaurus was beside him again, catching Kaon’s elbow when his feet fumbled under him. “Perhaps, Kaon, I should accompany you the rest of the way?”  
With his face buried against Deathsaurus’ side and his arms clutched tightly around a forearm, Kaon merely nodded.


	7. You know this puts you on my personal List.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the end! Hope you enjoyed the dumbness of it. If not, I'd apologize, but I'm not the one that kept reading it, now am I? *lol* Continue to enjoy or not, as you will. :)

Helex stood in the hab suite turned entertainment room with the others and considered what had just occurred. “Everyone realizes Kaon just got away from all of us without a real talking to again, don’t they?”  
“But he’s still grounded, though, right?” Tesarus asked, looking in askance to Tarn. His larger hands patted protectively at his empty grinder as if looking for something. He hadn’t shared the story of whatever Kaon did to him with Helex, but he kept giving the pet worried glances.  
“Yes, Tesarus,” Tarn answered. The tone of his voice spoke of deep annoyance. Helex wondered who exactly it was directed at, further wondering if it was someone he needed to pity. Probably wasn’t, he decided, but he definitely wouldn’t want to be whichever one of them it was. Although it would make a lot of sense if it were Kaon _and_ Deathsaurus. Tarn had good reason to be completely peeved at them both right now. He did pity Tesarus, though, if it were spilling over onto him—  
_Clang!_  
“Ow! What was that for?” Helex demanded of Nickel, who stood at his feet, a length of heavy pipe of undisclosed origin in one hand. He reached down to rub gingerly at his now dented shin.  
“You were thinking out loud again, you empty helmed lug nut!” she said with a scowl. The narrow gaze Tarn favored him with, Tesarus’ supposedly indifferent examination of the walls, and Vos’ arm flailing version of an eye roll confirmed it. “One of these days, you’re going to let slip something important and then you’ll be on the List. Do you really want that?”  
Helex sighed, the act so intense it sent a rush of bubbles through his smelting pool.  “No, I don’t.”  
“I think we’re just going to forget this ever happened for the moment,” Tarn said, cutting in before anyone could make a bigger mess of things. “I’ll call Kaon to my office in the morning and address issues there. With no one else to get in the way. Nickel, be prepared to give him a full diagnostic examination. I believe he’s earned that joy.”  
With a snort, Nickel zipped out of the room, calling back to him, “Don’t worry yourself. It’s already taken care of. Bless his usual predictability!”  
The four remaining members of the DJD stood around, all of them waiting on the others to act. Vos lost patience and moved first. More of the Primal Vernacular none of them recognized trailed out of the room after him as he followed Nickel’s lead. Next was Tesarus, who just shrugged and plodded out, turning the other way down the hall. Helex, on the other hand, stood where he was a bit longer, giving Tarn a scrutinizing look.  
“You’re staying to check out his equipment, aren’t you?” Helex asked with a smirk. “Going to confiscate it?”  
Tarn didn’t deny it. “Go. Close the door behind you.”  
* * *  
How he ended up in the medbay, Kaon wasn’t sure. He balked and struggled to get himself off the medical slab, though, when Nickel peered down on him with a rather dark and satisfied smile. Problem was, he wasn’t getting anywhere. Dear Primus, he was strapped down and Nickel was smiling at him. Not good.  
“Have a good nap, sweet?” she asked, all innocence as she pulled back to dig through her collection of wrenches and other tools.  
“…how?”  
“I’ll be on my way, then, since he’s awake,” spoke Deathsaurus from elsewhere in the medbay. He sounded as pleased with himself, as always.  
Kaon stilled, ceasing his fight against the restraints. There was only one reason Deathsaurus would be here, witnessing Kaon’s incoming doom. “You traitor. You know this puts you on my personal List.”  
“Sounds interesting,” Deathsaurus replied with a laugh. “Maybe you can show me how that works later, after a few rounds of that electroshock therapy.”  
Vibrating with the surge of fury that came over him, electricity buzzing, Kaon swung a glare at him. “Do you honestly expect me to say yes after _this?_ Betrayer!”  
“Well, I suppose not, but it was worth a try, wasn’t it?” With a little wave of his hand, Deathsaurus turned to leave. “I’ll see my own way out, Nickel.”  
“Thank you again for the delivery, Deathsaurus,” Nickel said as she returned, leaning over Kaon with a welding torch blowing blue flame above him. His spark skipped a pulse as she continued to smile. “Never have a partner in crime, Kaon, for they can always be bought by someone with a little more influence.”  
**END**


End file.
